If We Faint Not

And let us not be weary in well doing; for in due reason we shall reap, if we faint not. Galations 6:9

As long as we are trying our best and giving our all we will be rewarded as long as we don't give up. I didn't give up during the 26.2 mile jaunt in Providence. I knew it would not be my best run due to the slow long distance training for two 50 milers earlier in the year and a 50 miler just 4 weeks ago. Of course, this is what I tell myself. In essence, I need to drop two hands-full of pounds and do some more tempo and lactic threshold training to get the combination of speed and endurance back, if at all possible, now being 48. I will say that a truly run marathon is as close to perfection in running as it is possible. Obviously, speed and endurance are relative to our abilities but when we combine both, to the best of our abilities, where it takes our bodies and mind to our limits and slightly beyond, it is though we transcend ourselves. We leave our mind and bodies behind and let the soul find its spirit. This doesn't happen with every marathon. It is the beauty and challenge of the distance. But when perfection is attained, which I have only experienced a handful of times out of the 32 marathons I have run, we indeed reap.

Providence, for an inaugural marathon, was decent but a little rough around the edges. The course was challenging with its hilly (rolling) terrain, although fair. I didn't faint and felt like I didn't give up. Although not great, I finished in the best time that I could on this day and I really couldn't ask for more. I strive to find my soul and I get closest to it when running - right or wrong.

Morning Glory

After my rant last night I suspect this entry will be a bit more calm. I just got back from a sight-seeing tour of Providence - well sort of. My tour consisted of about a 3.5 mile easy warm-up run prior to tomorrow. Not only does a run like this get your body a bit more in tune for the 26.2 miles tomorrow, but more importantly, it allows some of the extremely negative thoughts bleed from your mind. A run always seems to do that. Many mornings I wake to "what's the use..." but a run always brings me back to life. Without disappointment, it did today. I first ran up to the Rhode Island state capitol. I am usually fascinated by the architecture of such buildings certainly more than what actually occurs inside (see last night's entry.) The buildings look as though they are sculpted, carved or whittled and they are generally old. After running around the state capitol, I followed Dorrance Ave. down through Providence to where the finish of the marathon will be tomorrow - quaint streets and buildings surround the finish along with some streets made of brick. The Providence River runs through the city so I made my way over to the river. I love a series of bridges that cross a river running through a city. There is something calming about them and the water they cross. So off I go over one of the bridges to main street and low and behold found a running store called Rhode Runner - excellent! After taking a picture of the "Old Stone Bank" I finish my loop with a cup of Joe and maple scone from Starbucks. It should be an interesting run tomorrow as the course appears to be a bit hilly or rolling depending on how you look at it. Now the rain appears to be a factor too but I can't argue with what God provides. I just know that a bad day of running is still better than a good day at work.

Why...

(this entry is nothing like my others but some days, you just have to go off!) ...is running 26 or 50 miles so much easier than the effort required yet not recognized in the corporate world? Is it maybe because YOU appreciate the effort that YOU put into training to get YOU to the finish where no one in the corporate world appreciates or notices anything that you do? Why is it that the person who doesn't threaten to quit but works wholeheartedly for the organization in humility is left behind? Someday the lack of respect for the employees in a company will bring a company down and I hope that it is a hard lesson to learn. OK, enough on the corporate rant. I am in Povidence Rhode Island (why is it an island?) waiting to run the Providence Marathon on Sunday. It is my first marathon since December and in some ways looking forward to it although I am more trained for 50 milers (i.e. slow longer distance.) I do know the physcal and mental pain of a marathon or 50 miles is still nothing compared to the strife of corporate america. Of course, I still need some way to give Exon-Mobile their 10 billion dollars in profit and provide the funding for war in the era of bushonomics. Maybe it should be called waronomics or oilonomics. Oil, Mr. Bush and our illustrious members of congress is the battleground of terror. While Hillary and Barack call each other names and fight with golden gloves with mouths that need to be washed out with soap, Mr. McCain sits back in his lazy-boy and watches the blood-bath. They are all the same. There are not two parties. There is one - the Political Party that continues to rip apart the core of America. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing, just a rant that started at 6:15 this morning when I realized that 3 1/2 years of coporate giving has been returned by a corporate shafting. Why is this on a running blog? Because I only have running blogs and I am sitting here pondering the "why run" question again. Why run? Because it is easy and simple and hard all at the same time and you get out of it what you put into it - not true in the coporate world!

End is Here

Endless days
We search for one we hold inside
So hard to find
Luck turns
Will the fallen ever reach within
And rise again
For the rest of my life
I will find the answers
That were always here
I will find the meaning this time
I will fight the end
Till the end is here

AlterBridge

Sunday I will be back on the marathon trek which will take me to Providence, RI for their innaugural Cox Sports Marathon. Rhode island will be my 21st state and 32nd marathon after a winter of two 50 milers. Many of us runners run to search for the one we hold inside. Each run, no matter the distance, but specifically longer runs where we have the time to ponder, look for answers with the right questions take us on a journey of self-discovery. Each run helps us fight to the end till the end is here. It gives us time with our personal Jesus always searching for the meaning hoping to always rise from our brokeness. The run is no longer about time. It is about destiny.

Freak

Searching for things I can't see
Mountains in front of me
No nothing will conquer my existence
Fear will not discover my brain

Days of the New

It is one thing to find what you are looking for but another to search for things that can't be seen. In some ways, this is what running affords us, a way to search for what can't be seen - possibilities, potential and hope. It is why it is hard to explain to the mortal sedentary types the joy that comes from running. I find that the longer the distance, the more evident these truths become. We runners hold these truths to be sacred and undeniable (OK, Thomas Jefferson's original line in the Declaration of Independence can be applied to running also!)

As I start to prepare a schedule for mararthons to get myself to the half way point of 50 states this year, my mind is still on my attempt at a 100 mile ultra in April. The last two lines of the song above will need to be embedded in my heart, soul and mind. They are true for everyone, those taking their first step to a running lifestyle or those running their first 5K, first marathon or first ultra. Even for us more experienced, we need to keep the same mindset. The word fear is used 366 times in the bible (not that I counted) and is one of the biggest demobilizers of doing anything and everything in life. We must have faith in God and in ourselves to conquer fear not just in running but in life.

As for marathons, Providence, RI has a new marathon this year and is the only marathon in RI (unless Breakers is still around) so I better pounce on that one to pick up RI in May. I hope to run Deadwood-Mickelson in June which is supposedly a beautiful trail marathon on the Deadwood-Mickelson trail near Rapid City, SD. Of course, I will run Baltimore in October making it the 8th straight year on my quest for 25. I am still evaluating others for September, October and November. I also hope to run the JFK 50 mile again to redeem myself from last year's DNF. I have learned some good lessons from my two DNF ultras last year. I am not an ultra freak yet but still a marathon manic.

Who You'd Be Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Who You'd Be Today - Kenny Chesney

For those who knew Ryan Shay (and I was not one of them except knowing him through running magazines), these words will have a piercing impact on them. For any of us who have lost people to death too early in our or their lives, these words will have an imprint on our hearts or others who were not even given the opportunities at life we sometimes wonder. Ryan Shay died doing what he loved, running. He was not out for a casual easy run. He was running the Olympic marathon trials for a place on the U.S. team in Beijing, something he had dreamed of and trained for all his life. God took him too early but in doing so, you might just see an American winner in Beijing at the marathon distance in 2008. Ryan will be with the U.S. Olympic hopefuls through their training and their gold medal run. To all of Ryan's family, friends and new wife Alicia, the running community's deepest sympathy is offered to you all.

There are few deaths in running events. Recently there have been two; in the Chicago marathon and the Olympic trials. Although Ryan was well-known, both made headlines. I can't tell you the name of the man who died in Chicago but I do know that the same words apply for those who knew and loved him. I also also pray to God that when He believes that my race has ended, that I am taken while running expending the energy of the body and mind, transferring energy to those who need it more, to have those born who may not be otherwise. I also pray that I get to cross the finish line so I can proclaim as Jesus did, "It is Finished" (John 19:30) as His last words on the cross. It should be up to God to know when "It is Finished" and up to God through Jesus to guide us to the finish line. Don't let people wonder who you'd be today, show them today who you are because, unlike the running race, we never know how close the finish line is.

Beauty of the Cape...

There is no better way to see the beauty of Cape Cod than running 26.2 miles around it. The views of Nantucket sound were eye candy and worth the price of admission. This is the Norbsk Lighthouse around mile 22. This picture was taken just about 15 minutes after sunrise the day after the marathon.









It looks like I am the only runner in the marathon but there were over 1000 marathoners and another 190 relay runners on a rolling course throughout Falmouth.





Another view of the Norbsk Lighthouse the day before the marathon. It was an overcast misty day but is shown in whole other essence.

Alter and the Door

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong way traveling, slowly unraveling shell of a man
Burnt out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart
Lord, this time I'll make it right
Here at the altar I lay my life
Your kingdom come but my will was done
My heart is broken...

Casting Crowns

As I sit here awaiting the start of the Cape Cod Marathon, less than an hour away, I ponder the music that randomly selects itself from my ipod. Today, I will not take any music with me for the 42 Kilometers. The course is quite beautiful and I don't want to spoil the meditative state of the journey. I drove the course yesterday traversing a rolling, hilly course that was formed 11,000 years ago by a glacier. Some of the hills are results of that glacial activity. There is also 5 miles worth of beautiful seashore running past the Norbsk lighthouse along side the Nantucket sound. Sitting at the seashore yesterday let me ponder how fragile life is yet how God has formed a plan for it all. The weather is perfect with temperatures in the 50's and gloriously sunny day. I hope to enjoy the journey as I watch my clock to make sure I am running slow enough to enjoy the day. Yet, I need to feel the exertion and the mental and physical challenge to release the strength from my body for those who need it more than me. Off I go....

Just Outside of Heaven (A Good Country Mile)

The bouncin’ off the walls
The waitin’ in the streets
The take it for granted and then some
It’s safe to assume there ain’t enough room
If everyone wants to get near
There’s a deafening silence and everything stops
To find its own promise and balance
The rush is still coming but miles away
To find its own crossings and paths
So where do you go when you close your eyes
Where do you go when you sleep?
There’s a white picket fence and a house on the hill
From there I can see the lights
I’m just outside of heaven
A good country mile…
…

Kevn Kinney – A Good Country Mile

There is something haunting yet beautiful about these lyrics. After listening to the entire song over and over I believe that I know what he was writing about which really has nothing to do with running or marathons (but what song does?)? However, for some odd reason, they are easy for me to relate to a marathon, life (and even death).

The start of a marathon is a very anxious time. You don’t know what the next several hours will bring. There is a nervous energy yet, for me, a peaceful calmness. I have found peace at the starting line waiting for the mass of human energy to move me forward. The start of a marathon is very crowded with little room to stand let alone run. You can feel people bouncin’ off the walls still chatting to anyone who will listen. When the gun goes off, there is a deafening silence, a single-mindedness of the task at hand and a focus. Although everyone is moving, it feels like everything stops and your mind enters another dimension. There is a promise that you will be a better person at the end (or in the end), cleansed and balanced at least for a little while. The “rush” is when you must dig deeper to keep moving forward when your body or mind wants to quit. The “rush” can be when you are at the finish completely cleansed, exhausted and free. You wait for the “rush” to occur but you know its miles away and the journeys, crossings and paths will help you find the way. To me, running a marathon is like closing my eyes and going to sleep, I am still alive but at a sub-conscience peace yet dying a little being in perfect harmony and state. I’m close to heaven. I can see the lights. God is with me. I’m just outside of heaven, a good country mile.

Life is an anxious time. You feel the past; you live in the present and hope for the future. With life, you don’t know what the next day will bring but giving your life to God will allow you to be at peace, peace with the past, a serenity of present and peace for the future. I’m just outside of heaven, a good country mile.

Delaware 5/20/07 - 3:45:50; Sunburst 6/2/07 - 3:55:29

My "City" of Ruins

There is a blood red circle
On the cold dark ground
And the rain is falling down
The church door's thrown open
I can hear the organ's song
But the congregation's gone
My city of ruins
My city of ruins

Now with these hands,
I pray Lord
With these hands,
I pray for the strength, Lord
With these hands,
I pray for the faith, Lord
We pray for your love, Lord
We pray for the lost, Lord
We pray for this world, Lord
We pray for the strength, Lord
We pray for the strength, Lord

Come on
Come on, rise up

Bruce Springsteen, My City of Ruins

3:44:45, a personal best marathon in New Jersey on my 25th marathon! I wanted to be happy about it but it seemed so trivial, certainly not diminishing all of the hard work that all of the other marathoners put in to get to the finish line.

If you wonder how I come up with ideas for my blog entries, the ideas present themselves through song and then I relate that song to both running and life. I never used to listen to music on the run and I still take a break from it sometimes but I now realize that I can find deeper meaning in music and in life by listening and relating.

Bruce supposedly wrote My City of Ruins about Asbury Park after it crumbled and tumbled from its heyday. However, I also think he wrote it about life and the struggles that people go through where they feel like their “life” is in ruins. While I was listening, I thought about how many people felt that their “life” was in ruins; families of soldiers who have died in war, the innocent people of Iraq and Darfur just trying to live another day, families and friends of those massacred at VT, those in Kansas who saw their town completely decimated. All of us at some point in our lives see our “city” of ruins to one extent or another. It doesn’t have to be so extreme but if we feel like it is in ruins, then it is so. What Bruce also wrote about was his faith in the Lord and his prayer for the strength to rise up beyond the “city” of ruins not only beyond our own “city” but for the “cities” around the world – the people of this world who feel that their “city” is in ruins.

At some point during a marathon, we also feel as if we are in ruins, that we can’t continue, the physical and mental pain so great that it might be easier to give up. At that point, we draw upon the strength of the Lord to help us through and to help those around us through. I always ask God to take all of the strength from me in the marathon and give it to those in need – those who feel that their “city” is in ruins – to totally exhaust me and expend all of the energy from my body and mind and give it to someone who needs it most or can use it at that very point in time – someone not in the marathon but someone who needs strength in life. The beauty of the marathon is that it leaves you totally exhausted and spent physically and mentally. To me, that feeling is God taking the strength from me and giving it to someone else in need. It is one reason why I run marathons.

Peace Within

For ye shall go out with joy, and be led fourth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

Isaiah 55:12

Tomorrow will be my 25th marathon. I have not approached most marathons with peace. However, this year, I have stood at the starting line of the Houston and Little Rock marathons in peace. I gave the days to God and asked Him to to let me proceed forward in peace and joy; what will be, will be; whether I keeled over and died or I ran a Boston Qualifying time. Tomorrow, I will go out and run with joy to the best of my abilities and to the best that my current training will allow, but leave the journey and results to Him. This is my peace.

The New Jersey Marathon will not include mountains, have very few hills and not have many trees. The marathon itself, no matter where run, always has mountains with peaks and valleys; the times you feel great and the times you feel awful. The "hill" is the 26.2 miles themselves and it gets steeper and steeper as the miles progress. Tomorrow, instead of the trees clapping their hands, the crash of the cold ocean waves onto the hardened sand will be the clap of the hands to offer praise to each runner for their will, perseverance and endurance.

My sister lost her husband this week and I ask God to grant her and their family peace as Eddie begins his new life with God.

As difficult as it sometimes is, go out in life with joy and be led forth with peace. Life is a marathon.

Praise You in This Storm

(Casting Crowns)

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

The marathon is the perfect storm. The storm takes place internally, externally, physically and mentally. It is concentrated in those 26.2 miles from the first step beyond the start to the last step at the finish. Some could argue that the storm starts months earlier during training and intensifies throughout the marathon. Since I run so many marathons a year, the storm to me takes place during those 26.2 miles. What does the storm consist of? The storm internally relates to the functioning of the body itself – the physiology to be exact. Did I eat enough carbohydrates and hydrate well enough to stockpile the glycogen stores? Will my digestive system work efficiently? If and when will it shut down? Will my breathing and lung capacity be right? Will my heart handle the stress that I ask to be placed upon it? These questions relate to the internal storm and can be minimized through training. However, no training completely calms this storm. The external storm relates to the conditions, most of which are out of your control. By picking a particular marathon at a particular time of year and in a particular place you can attempt to control the external storm but not entirely. The weather is what it is and you get what you get on marathon day and you don’t complain. All courses are different and some will give you a storm of challenges from hills to concrete from potholes of the urban jungle to potholes of Mother Nature (trails).

The physical demands of the storm emerge when the battle with the internal storm starts to become lost. The body passes through so many stages during a marathon. In essence, it is like the weather. If you don’t like how you are feeling, wait awhile and it will change. Unfortunately, the converse is also true. You may feel amazing physically but that too may change for the worse as a “thunderstorm” approaches with lightning, hail, rain and wind. What happens when you have a summer rain storm with the sun shining? A rainbow appears and it is beautiful. The colors are vibrant and it appears to lead nowhere and somewhere at the same time. This is the essence of the marathon’s physical storm. The mental storm may be the most difficult to weather. The mind can be a human’s worst enemy yet be one’s most supportive friend. The mind must “manage” all the other storms while enduring its own storm. I would argue that weathering the marathon storm is an exercise in mental perseverance and extending the calm before the storm throughout the marathon. The mind will allow you to drown or help you survive and this IS under your control.

I have approached my last two marathons (Houston and 2 weeks ago, Little Rock) with peace and relaxation. It is not to say that I don’t encounter the storm. I know that the storm will come all the same. However, by praising God in the storm, the calm and relaxed feelings I feel before the marathon (the calm before the storm) helps me weather the storm through Him.

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

The marathon is such a metaphor for life – life is also a storm. I don’t mean to minimize the intense storms that we encounter in life by comparing it to a marathon but it is representative of what we encounter in life. We must look to God to weather the storm of life. Although you may barely hear His whisper, He is with you always. He knows what you need to weather the storm. Learning this, I have a different approach to the marathon as well as life.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Start of the Running Season?

The start of the running season is almost here.

This was the first line from a recent newsletter that I received from ZombieRunner. I don't know about you but for me, the start of the running season was when I took my first few strides many years ago and won't end until I take my last breath.

"Run" By Faith

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words
You say Every moment of every day

Well I will “run” by faith
Even when I cannot see it
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Jeremy Camp – Walk by Faith

It is impossible to go into a marathon without faith – faith in God to help guide you, complete faith in yourself and faith from others. Faith is not only needed on the day of the marathon but every day, every minute and every mile leading up to those 26.2 miles. It is also impossible to go through life without this same faith. Let Him in and He will help guide you. Let yourself in and you will find your way. Let others in to support you. Your fears will disappear.

It was marathon time again as I headed off to Houston to run my 26th marathon and beyond (ultrathon) in my 15th state. The ultrathon is my contentment, comfort and peace. Ask any veteran ultrathon runner where they find their peace and they will surely say that it is during the extended time and many miles of running. It is where I feel close to God, myself and others, yet, in a solitary way. It is where I feel safe. It is my community where I know every runner yet none at all. Because of my new found faith, the Houston Marathon was one of my most fearless marathons. I was calm and relaxed at the start putting my faith in all I have asked and done. God had already helped with the weather and now it was up to us to make the most of it. With 18,000 runners, there were just as many reasons and stories to be running that day. In fact, the philanthropic nature of the Houston Marathon is branded as a “Reason to Run” allowing fundraising for many of Houston’s local charities as well as some national charities.

During the marathon, I let my thoughts and eyes drift around the pack of runners and even to the spectators lining the streets waiting for their runner to pass by and spend a few seconds with them. Undoubtedly, these are the people that put faith in them, who encourage them, who believe in them. The great thing about most spectators is that they not only put faith in their runner but every runner who passes by. The bibs for the Houston Marathon not only identified us by number but also by first name. I didn’t know anyone personally in Houston; however, I heard my name called more times than I could count being offered words of encouragement and signs of faith.

I do believe that many of the spectators look out onto the course wishing that they were making this journey through the urban jungle. It may inspire many to do just this and if not 26.2 miles maybe 1 mile or 3.1 miles. I sometimes believe it is harder being a spectator or volunteer than it is a runner. The volunteers work for most of the marathon encouraging and helping the runners in so many ways. It is truly a marathon for them as they work throughout the weekend to make the marathon successful. Another group of individuals who have their work cut out for them are the police. I usually thank them since they spend hours on end to keep us safe from impatient drivers.

Until I needed focus on getting through the later miles, I consciously made an effort to glance around the pack of runners around me. Of course, you only get to see the back or sides of everyone but you can always feel their presence. I thought about all the reasons people were running, all they have done to get to this point on this day and if they would ever do it again. I noticed runners running alone, runners trying to strike up conversations to distract their minds from the miles and pain and groups of runners running for a cause. At some point you settle into a pace and you run with others around that pace. I settled into a strong pace after 5 miles but noticed another runner at about the same pace. We seemed to push each other for the next 15 miles but staying juxtaposed for most of the time. We never glanced at one another and never said a word but we knew that we were helping one another. At one point I moved ahead during a water stop and thought that I had lost this person so I was back to pacing myself. To my surprise, this person passed me at mile 25 never saying a word and never looking back but I would like to believe that it was runners helping each other to get the most out of their ability.

The only way to run a marathon is to “Run by Faith” and the only way to get through life is to “Walk by Faith”. As I take more breaths searching for a way to make me new, either running or walking, it will be through faith.

Brighter Days

If I live till I die, will I be justly rewarded
If I sleep till I wake, will I remember the dream
If I lie to myself, will I have something to believe in
If I face my fears, will I know what they mean

Long for brighter days far behind me
Before my life was just a haze
When love was still inside me

If I find myself, tell me will I lose me to others
If I hang my head, will I feel the spirit of my mother
If I bury my face, will I uncover the truth
If I slow my pace, will the past gain on me

I was wrong to a degree. The JFK 50 Mile was not a matter of life and death. Life itself is a matter of life and death. The JFK 50 mile was a "fun" adventure and a wonderful way to spend 11 hours and 8 minutes. I learned a lot about running 50 miles but I learned more about what comes from running 50 miles. I learned what it means to have friends and family. I learned more about the ultra-running community. When one person falls, five stop to see if they are not injured. I learned about defying age - not mine but others' who are much older. I learned about the intricacies of the physiology of the body before during and after such an event. I also learned that most people, runners and non-runners alike, cannot comprehend running 50 miles. I learned to have a faith in God or I should say a continuing faith in God. I learned that I WANT to run more ultras but also that a truly run marathon is equally rewarding. I learned that life is not just about running. I learned that anyone can "run" 50 miles but a small minutia of people ever will. I learned that there are much harder things in life. I learned that as much as I was alone, I wasn't. I learned that each step forward moves you forward. I learned that it might be harder to crew than to run. I learned that the start is much more exciting than the finish. At the start, the journey lies ahead of you but it lies behind you at the finish and the enjoyment is in the journey. I learned to learn. There is much more and as I continue to reflect, I will continue to share.

The Essence

…In an ultra, the limits of the body and mind are pushed to a point where you don’t know if you will live or die. The physiology of the body, and thus God, will determine this. The mind knows that this is a distinct possibility yet it continues to wage war on the body. The body rebels but the mind constantly recalibrates itself to comfort the body in any way possible. The pain does not lessen but the mind compensates as to how it reacts to the pain. The pain can actually be moved around so it is not so pronounced in any particular area. Pain has to be isolated for this reason. Comprehensive pain cannot become so overwhelming that it deters forward progress. In essence, the ultra is a perfect dichotomous event. You are doing good for your mind and body yet putting yourself at risk in doing so. It is being active in an inactive world.

The ulra is whole-heartedly respected yet approached with ease; yet this is not to be confused with it being easy. It is something that I WANT to do and not what I HAVE to do or what someone is telling me to do. I WANT to go out and run this far. I WANT to feel the pain. I WANT to be challenged mentally and physically for no other reason than to feel alive and put myself on the edge.

Tomorrow is the JFK 50 Miler and my first ultra beyond the 50K. Afterwards, maybe my thoughts will be different but somehow, I don’t so…

Who Is This Person

"... Perhaps the genius of ultra running is its supreme lack of utility. It makes no sense in a world of space ships and supercomputers to run vast distances on foot. There is no money in it and no fame, frequently not even the approval of peers. But as poets, apostles and philosophers have insisted from the dawn of time, there is more to life than logic and common sense. The ultra runners know this instinctively. And they know something else that is lost on the sedentary. They understand, perhaps better than anyone that the doors to the spirit will swing open with physical effort. In running such long and taxing distances they answer a call from the deepest realms of their being -- a call that asks who they are ..."

David Blaikie
Owner/Operator of www.ultramarathonworld.com

As I prepare for the JFK 50 Miler in two weeks, a venture (or shall I say "adventure") into uncharted territory, this quote continues to weigh on my mind. I would not so naievely beleive that after two 50K's that I am even remotely an ultrarunner. I guess the promise to find out "who I am" compels me to challenge this distance. Maybe I have already determined that I don't like who I am and the 50 miler will help me find another person. Will it be this 50 miler, another or maybe even a 100 miler? Is it not in the miles at all? When will I find that person?

In Me

'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me

Casting Crowns - In Me

The Detroit FreePress/FlagStar Bank marathon was my 8th marathon/ultra of 2006. It was also my 4th marathon/ultra in the last 43 days. The Under Armour Baltimore marathon, just two weeks prior to Detroit, was a personal best with Detroit being my 3rd best. The 4 marathons/ultras in the last 6 weeks were run in 4 different states including Missouri, Pennsylvania, Maryland and Michigan. The 4 marathons/ultras ran in the spring were in Maryland, New Jersey, Ohio and West Virginia. I qualified for both silver and gold Marathon Maniac status. Not only was my personal best on a challenging course, but it was also the first and only marathon where I ran under 9 minutes every mile of the marathon ranging from 8:23 to 8:58 averaging 8:41. I also realize that these efforts still make me a quarter-pack to mid-pack runner. I am proud of the accomplishments but argue that they are nothing special.

In Detroit, I ran past a young man sitting in his wheel chair. As I casually glided by, I got tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. For that brief moment, his blank stare allowed me to permeate his mind and feel inside his heart. How nice it would be if he could be out there running like the rest of us. That image reappeared throughout the marathon. How lucky I was to be doing what I was doing.

I argue that my accomplishments are nothing special because of the stories of others who overcome tremendous challenges are more inspiring than anything that I could ever do: the people who overcame addictions of smoking, drugs and alcohol; people who participate in the physically challenged divisions; people who have lost 50, 100, 150 pounds and turned a sedentary lifestyle into something active; people who have suffered from abuse and intolerance; people who have fought diseases like cancer and have won or are winning; people who have felt premature loss of those close to them; people who have been depressed and suicidal; people who have felt depleted of life. The reasons for running, stories of those runners and the examples of success can go on forever. These are the people that are doing something special – not me. I would also argue that people in general, not just runners, who have overcome these challenges, are much more courageous and brave than I have ever been. Although I believe that running or an active lifestyle changes an outlook on life, I believe it is more important to have a passion for something. Passion is what drives life whether it is for the people in your life, the work that your do, the beliefs that you have, the hobbies that you pursue, whatever it is, find the passion.

I find myself running for the strength of others. With each run and especially challenging and taxing runs like marathons and ultras, I ask God to take the strength that I am expelling from my mind and body and give it to those in need. This was the purpose of my nine marathons/ultras in 2006. People are dealing with much more in life than trying to get through 3, 5, 10, 13, 26, 31, 50 or 100 miles. Obviously, I am not diminishing the challenges and accomplishments of those who do because many of those who do are doing it to overcome the external challenges in life. However, as existential as it sounds, I hope that my strength is shared among others – runners and non-runners alike – and that God does take the strength coming from my mind and body and gives it to those in need.

Running Up That Hill

If I only could,
I’d be running up that hill.
If I only could,
I’d be running up that hill.
It doesn’t hurt me.

Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know that it doesn’t hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that I’m making?
You, it’s you and me.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that “trail”,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

Kate Bush – Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God)

I run, in some cases, to hurt emotionally and physically, especially at the longer distances, surpassing 20 miles. What people do not realize is that hurting emotionally and physically on a run is a million times easier than what we experience in life. In essence, hurt during running makes you feel alive. I read in all the Running magazines about the importance of recovery – taking a day off for every mile raced. My recovery is my next run because it is on my next run where I am at peace and in recovery. Recovery is not sitting around waiting for all the tears in the micro fibers of my muscles to heal. I do believe in active recovery. I understand that my body can only take so much and that optimal running can only occur when properly trained and recovered. However, I know that I will never win a race and the chances of ever winning an age group award are slim so even when I am in optimal condition, there is no winning as known traditionally. But, do I win? Yes, I win because of my own personal reason for running. To me, running is about the experiences, comfort, solitude, community and stressing the mind and body beyond what is normal or what is generally accepted as normal. It is simplistic in a sense. I run against me, the course, the conditions and, yes, time. Does time even matter? I am not as obsessed about time as I used to be. Maybe this comes with age when you know the days of overall PRs are gone. However, I am an analytical person and time, distance, elevation and conditions are easily analyzed. But, this is not the essence of my running any longer. It is purely about the experience and the non-tangible attributes of perseverance and endurance. Except for weather conditions and course, running is entirely in my control. I decide how fast and how far to go. I decide what I take from it. I decide whether I quit or continue (although I have never quit a race.) Sometimes I don’t decide what I get from it – what I take from it, yes, but not necessarily what I get from it. This is so because I seem to always get something new out of every experience.

I ran my 2nd 50K this past weekend and because of a wrong turn, I actually ran further than the advertised distance, completing about 32 miles. Running up that hill; the steep 300 foot hill at miles 11 and 19. This is an out and back course so once the hill was navigated at mile 11, you needed to be mentally prepared to do it all over again at mile 19. I know 300 feet does not sound like much but this was 300 feet at a 14% grade. How many steep, rocky hills do we have to climb in life? How many out and backs are there where we know that there will always be another climb, another mental and physical challenge? With experience, perseverance, and resolve, we can make it up those hills and eventually even “run” up them. We all have our hills and if I only could, I’d make a deal with God and I’d get Him to swap our places. In many cases, I know that running seems trivial to the hills that we climb in life. I also know, from having a running life, that running not only helps us climb the hills but to also navigate life in general. Compared to the hills in life, this hill overlooking Blue Marsh Lake was easy and thus my point, it doesn’t hurt me. Do you want to know how it feels?

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places

Soulshine

When you cant find the light
That guides you through a cloudy day
When the stars ain’t shinin’ bright
And you feel like you’ve lost your way
When the candle lights of home
Burn so very far away
Well you got to let your soul shine
Just like my daddy used to say

He used to say soul shine
Its better than sunshine
Its better than moonshine
Damn sure better than rain

Hey now people don’t mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine
Shine till the break of day

Warren Haynes - Soulshine

The etchings upon our soul are permanent, never to be erased. No matter who we are, there will always be good and bad etchings. Our challenge is to allow the good etchings to shine while we learn from the bad etchings. As in life, the marathon is a soul-searching experience. Some days, things just don’t go as planned. The pain intensifies both mentally and physically. Quitting starts to enter the mind and the body says “stop the madness” and the mind says “maybe I will.” This is when the soul-searching begins. It is when we look to what is etched, from simple scratches to deep ruts – the good and the bad upon the soul. But, to continue, we must let the soul shine. Sometimes, what we find may not yet be an etching, but a dream, hope or vision for a future etching.

It is when the light appears dim; the clouds cover us in darkness, the stars faded where we are not able to find our way that we have to let our soul shine How many times in life and the marathon has this been true? How many times have we had to find our heart and soul to continue? We use our experiences that have left lasting etchings and impressions upon our soul. Sometimes, the finish line appears so far away that we lose sight on how to get there. Faintly burning candles barely light the darkness. How do we find our way through the darkness? We have to let our soul shine.

My Daddy said little so I had to find out for myself that I had to let the soul shine. I do believe my Mom let her soul shine. I suspect I have learned the lesson late in life and maybe not until I started running and pondering more what is true of one’s soul. I will even go as far as saying that maybe not until this song (Soulshine) did I start pondering it. I don’t think I have learned how to do this yet although I see it can be done. The soul shine is truly better than the glare and heat of the sunshine, the afterglow of the moonshine (and even better than the drinkable moonshine), and certainly better than the dreariness of a cold, wet rain. One can’t control the sun, moon and rain but they can control the etchings upon their souls and how to use them – good and bed – to make the soul shine and help in finding a lit path. We ALL do get this way sometimes. The more we turn to the etchings of the soul, use the good ones and learn from the bad ones, the better able we are to let the soul shine.

I suspect this is the way explorers like Lewis & Clark progressed on their expeditions and journeys through life – by letting their soul shine. In 1804, Lewis and Clark were commissioned by Thomas Jefferson to find a way from the Missouri River in St. Charles, MO to the Pacific Ocean. It was the ultimate ultra event of more than 7,000 miles (out and back) and lasted more than 2 years. I’m sure Lewis & Clark had to continually let their soul shine to be successful in their journey. So why bring up Lewis and Clark in this context?

The Lewis & Clark marathon in St. Charles, MO was my 20th marathon. It also happened to be my 4th worst marathon. The temperature and humidity were high, the course a bit monotonous being a double loop with two slight out and backs, and a body and mind feeling a bit broken. After mile 15, it hurt both mentally and physically. The bad etchings appeared to have taken control, doubts of finishing (even wanting to finish) filled my mind and the body was broken. For gosh sakes, this is just a marathon, 26.2 miles. It is not a life situation. I think the reason I enjoy running marathons (and beyond) is because they are easier than life. I had once read a mantra by an ultra runner that he continually repeated as a reminder, “Relentless Forward Progress.” As in the marathon, it is in life, “Relentless Forward Progress.” So, how would I get through the last 11 miles? By letting the soul shine and relentless forward progress with one foot in front of the other, I got to the finish and to me the finish is the start of something new. On this day, I felt the heat and humidity of the sunshine, I even saw the moonshine prior to the start and for the entire last mile it poured rain.

He used to say soul shine
It’s better than sunshine
It’s better than moonshine
Damn sure better than rain

The soul shine was better than all three. Learn from the run, let the soul shine in life.