Carry My Cross

So I'll carry my cross
And I'll carry the shame
To the end of the road
Through the struggle and pain
And I'll do it for love
No, it won't be in vain
Yes, I'll carry my cross
And I'll carry the shame

I have been without words but not without running since December 31. Maybe it is because I can't put the first few months of the year into words. I won't try at this point. As an update on my running, I completed my first ultra marathon in March, a 50K trail run through Susquehanna State Forest in Maryland. It is a wonderful venue for a 31 mile stroll on the trails. It was not without struggle and pain as I twisted an ankle on a rock that jutted out on one of the rockier, downhill portions of trail. Unfortunately, this was at mile 6. I was ready to pack it in for the day but I still had 9 miles back to the mid-point start/finish (this is a 15 mile double loop course) and at least 4 miles to the aid station not to mention, that if I did continue, I still had 25 miles of trail running over the same terrain to the finish. I have turned this ankle 2 other times on trail runs and just hoped that I could get through 31 miles without doing it again. I struggled down to a flat road area where I could run a little more normal. I hooked up with a guy named Tim from the local running club and we chatted about turned ankles and the babbling brook beside us. It helped having someone to chat with until reaching the aid station. I took 3 Ibuprofen, ate some Oreos and a banana at the aid station and continued on. The last portion of the loop back to the start/finish has the highest climbs. I was overcompensating for my ankle by using more of my right leg so that leg was certainly getting worn out. The climbs were easier than the descents as my left ankle could only take so much weight bearing activity. I got back to the start/finish, changed shirts, gloves and put on a knit hat, ate some more Oreos, a banana and went potty. As much as I wanted to quit earlier, I now felt like quitting was not an option. I could have easily packed it in but something kept me on the course - to go back out on a sprained ankle and do it all over again on the same terrain. I actually looked forward to running through the cold streams thinking that the cold, however brief, would be good for the ankle. I knew that I would not be close to a decent time but also knew that navigating the trail carefully, running where I could, and walking where I needed to would get me to the finish. For some reason, I actually felt better on the second loop maybe because I was committed (or maybe it was because I should have been committed); maybe because I knew it was only one more lap; maybe it was the hat (only awarded to finishers) at the finish; maybe it was because I have never DNFed in a race; maybe it was because I knew what the finish symbolized; maybe it was because I knew what the journey symbolized; maybe it was because of all the training effort and sacrifice; maybe it was because there are worse things in this world than running in a beautiful forest even with a sprained ankle; maybe because I knew that the effort would not be in vain; and maybe, just maybe it was for love. Whatever it was, I kept going just like we all have to do in life. It doesn't matter how fast or how slow my time of 6 hours and 50 minutes was, what matters is that I endured and persevered and pressed forward - relentless forward progress - to a finish line filled with joy and smiles, wonderment and amazement - 143.

Ultra runs of 50K, 100K and 100 miles symbolize the journey through life. Most if not all of these are on trails, many mountainous, many treacherous - in essence just like life. We navigate the obstacles the best we can, sometimes we fall, sometimes we sprain an ankle, sometimes we are on the edge yet with others we find the beauty of the trail, the mountains and streams, lakes, the meditative quietness, the support and camaraderie. Never is it perfect even for the elite runners, there are always struggles, some worse than others. It is about the journey and finding ways to get up after a fall, walk after a sprained ankle, and bounce back after a failure just as in life. In essence, we all carry the cross and sacrifice ourselves in many ways and it is never in vain.