The Finish Line

A magic trick makes the world disappear

The skies are dark, they're dark but they're clear

A distant motorcade and suddenly there's joy

The cold and ticker tape blurs all my senses numb

It's like the finish line where everything just ends

I'm done with this, I'm counting to ten

Brightest lights, running to them

I feel like I am watching everything from space

And in a minute I'll hear my name and I'll wake

I think the finish line's a good place we could start

Modified from Snow Patrol's The Finish Line

“I’m the official timekeeper and you have 3 minutes and 49 seconds to get to the finish line.” I just turned the corner and could see the glaring lights off in the distance. After 49 ½ miles, it comes down to running ½ mile in 3 minutes and 49 seconds. The man in the truck who proclaims to be the timekeeper is on my right and my nephew doing his best to pace me for the last ½ mile is on my left. “Mike, you got it, c’mon man, you got it!” Have you ever tried running ½ mile in 3 minutes 49 seconds after going 49 ½ miles?

I came back to the 2008 JFK to seek revenge. Although I had finished the 2006 race with nearly an hour to spare, I posted a DNF in 2007 by not making the cutoff time at Taylor’s Landing being 6 minutes late to the 38.6 mile aid station. The JFK is generally more of a mental test than a physical one, at least for me. The Marathon of Madness on the C&O canal towpath appears to be never-ending with a slight gradient of climb of no more than 3% for the entire 26 mile segment. The 8 miles of roads at the end over a gently rolling terrain almost feels good if it were not for the previous 42 miles. The Appalachian Trail for the first 16 miles requires focus and is so varied that it appears to go by quickly.

The world disappeared on the canal, especially for us back-of-the-pack runners. It became dark and lonely but the mission was clear – to finish. After mile 42, the sky was dark, the surroundings dark, and the world dark but the magic trick was not complete. Disappearing was not an option although who would know? Runner Disappears at Mile 44 in JFK50! Of course, if I am going to run 44 miles, I am certainly going to get to the finish before disappearing. I also have a feeling that Shawn would have come looking for me.

“I’m the official timekeeper and you have 3 minutes and 49 seconds to get to the finish line.” I keep hearing this repeated in my mind. I saw the motorcade off in the distance with the bright, glaring lights leading me to the finish like a beam of “light” leading me to heaven. Even with sub-freezing temperatures, I could only feel the warmth of those waiting. I could only imagine a ticker tape awaiting me. I was numb to the pain running on a cushion of air. The countdown continues, “one minute and 50 seconds”. Nothing changes as the finish line appears to move further away with each step. The lights are brighter and voices louder, “one minute and 30 seconds”. I am still a quarter mile to the finish. I never slow but never think. I just run. I try. I give it my best. “One minute... 30 seconds!” I’m counting to ten, brightest lights, running to them, nobody moves. “10, 9, 8…” but I am 100 meters away and even a world-class sprinter may not be able to run those 100 meters in less than 10 seconds. “7, 6, 5, 4…” and it is evident that I will not make the finish line cutoff. I’m done with this. I feel like I am watching everything from space. “3, 2, 1… The JFK 50 is officially over, thanks for coming out and see you in 2009!” What? I still have 30 meters to run. Ten seconds later, I cross the finish line in an unofficial finishing time of 12 hours and 10 seconds. And in a minute I'll hear my name and I'll wake. Do I want to? I look back to a million places where I squandered 10 seconds or maybe I should have just tried harder throughout. Whatever the case, the lesson has been learned and isn’t that the essence of doing better in life, failing and learning from it but continuing to move forward? I think the finish line's a good place we could start!

Spirit of the Storm

There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul
A restlessness that I can’t seem to tame
Thunder and lightning follow everywhere I go
There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul.

I can't seem to write on here as consistently as I want. Sometimes I want to write but don't want others to read so I don't write. I keep it in my soul and between God and me. I have run two marathons since the last time I have written and now on the verge of my 3rd 50 mile run of the year. I am seeking revenge on the JFK which I did not finish last year. Not finishing has been like a spirit of a storm - just one of many in my soul. I can't tame the restlessness and need to get back out on the road and trail to feel alive, to experience the emotional and physical pain in hopes of taming the restless lion. Marathons help but ultras take me beyond my reasonable limits. I am at sea and the storm rages. A vessel out of control.

There’s a hurricane that’s raging through my blood
I can’t find a way to calm the sea
Maybe I’ll find someday the waters aren’t so rushed
Right now they’ve got the best of me
And oh, it’s been a long, long time
Since I had real peace of mind
So I’m just going to "run" right here
"On" this old "mountain trail" till this storm rolls by.

Running brings me peace of mind. The blood rushing through my body with each accelerated heartbeat is a category 5, yet is as calm as the morning of the first, unspoiled winter snow. How absurdly opposing! I would run the trail forever if it was enough time for the storm to roll by.

Oh, maybe it’s just the way I am
Maybe I won’t ever change
So I’m just going to "run" right here
"On" this old "canal" and just soak up the rain.

The run will be over and I will still be the same but changed for those brief 11 hours. I'll run right here, where I am, with the sun, wind, and cold with the rest of the named storms. Few people in their right minds would run 50 miles, let alone 100 miles. I am not in my right mind and it won't ever change.

There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul
Every time I think it’s gone away
Dark clouds gather, that old wind begins to blow
The sun’s going to shine someday I hope
There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul, in my soul.

I will wait for the sun to shine and for God to shed his light. The storm will still rage, never to be diminished for the run that could be or should have been. "It" is in my soul, in my soul.

A Prophet Said...

You shall go out in joy
And be led back in peace;
The mountains and the hills before you
Shall burst into song,
And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

These were the last words that I had read prior to running the 25K of the Turkey Swamp races. I had an awful summer of running but continued to persevere through the struggles of a hamstring issue, decrease in motivation, summer weather and generally just not feeling great. I did run a couple of races and felt like they went alright although my expectations were not great. I ran the Belmar 5 miler in about 39 minutes on a sun-drenched beach day at the shore. Prior to my family reunion, I ran a respectable sub-23 minute 5K in Hagerstown with my nephew Shawn and his friend Tony. Of course, the hamstring issue at the time reared its ugly head but I finished in good shape.

I posted a DNF at last year’s Turkey Swamp 50K, my first DNF, and I knew that I was in no shape to run the 50K or even the 20 miler this year. I even questioned running the 25K, on trails no less, where muscles are used differently and my hamstring might be more prone to injury. Vacation was the week prior in North Carolina and although I ran some, they were not great runs. I could have given up running very easily this summer – but I didn’t.

I got back late on Saturday the day before Turkey Swamp. Although not pre-registered, I was committed to getting up early Sunday morning and making the effort to run the 25K. It was a perfect August morning with low humidity and temperatures in the high 60’s – one condition right. Before I left I read the passage above in a book that I had been reading. It was so appropriate because that is the way I always viewed my running – except this past summer. It was a reminder as to why I do this – go out in joy and be led back in peace. Although I have experienced it the opposite way also – go out in peace and be led back in joy. Maybe life should be approached this way. Of course, this is the intent of these prophetic thoughts but it took faith in running the Turkey Swamp 25K with these words lingering in my mind to fully understand it. We need to find the joy and the peace in each day no matter how and what we traverse in life. We need to find the Dee Dah Day moments, however few and however small.

I had a great 25K experience and for that brief period from when I read those words to arriving at the park with all of the other runners, lining up for the start, running 6 - 2 ½ mile tree-lined, soft, sandy, pine-needled, root-laden trail loops in 2 hours 19 minutes I rediscovered the peace and joy of running – maybe even the peace and joy in life, however difficult at times it is to find.

For What It's Worth

For what its worth
A nickel’s just a nickel son
Your pleasure calms your pain
Its gonna hurt
You’re out on the road
You’re an old horse "runnin’" along
Shakin’ all the miles been "run"
Hard and mean
Through the valley of shadows
Wickedness unravels

It has been a struggle lately - the slowness, the pain - out on the road. It hurts but my pleasure calms my pain or with pleasure comes the pain. Either way, what I get from running outweighs the struggles. I'm now an old horse runnin' along! The good news is that I am still runnin'. I have run many miles over the years getting close to the circumference of the earth and my body still accepts the pain yet my mind is numb with pleasure. I have run through the valley of shadows, the wickedness of life unraveled. Running has also been there as a friend to me without judgement but not without humility. Bill Rodgers said, "the marathon can humble you." As a friend should be able to do as well, running can humble you. Sometimes you need kicked in the seat of the pants, reprimanded, beaten down, broken - stroked, encouraged. Running does this for me. Running is what defines me for better or worse. It makes me the person I am. Each of us are different. I deal with life through running.

With one touch
Water turns to rust
But tell me
Who is there to trust, anymore
You're fallen fast
You’re rock hittin’ glass
Runnin’ from your shattered past

In Running, you run to and from. It should be opposite of the way it is - running from finish to start instead of start to finish. The finish is is really the end of something but the beginning of a journey to a new start. The journey allows us to learn from the shattered past -fallin' fast - rock hittin' glass. The water is turning to rust so I need softened and conditioned. I need that one touch of God upon my shoulder to help me.

A nickel is just a nickel but for what it's worth, it still has value. Running is valuable to me. It keeps me alive.

If We Faint Not

And let us not be weary in well doing; for in due reason we shall reap, if we faint not. Galations 6:9

As long as we are trying our best and giving our all we will be rewarded as long as we don't give up. I didn't give up during the 26.2 mile jaunt in Providence. I knew it would not be my best run due to the slow long distance training for two 50 milers earlier in the year and a 50 miler just 4 weeks ago. Of course, this is what I tell myself. In essence, I need to drop two hands-full of pounds and do some more tempo and lactic threshold training to get the combination of speed and endurance back, if at all possible, now being 48. I will say that a truly run marathon is as close to perfection in running as it is possible. Obviously, speed and endurance are relative to our abilities but when we combine both, to the best of our abilities, where it takes our bodies and mind to our limits and slightly beyond, it is though we transcend ourselves. We leave our mind and bodies behind and let the soul find its spirit. This doesn't happen with every marathon. It is the beauty and challenge of the distance. But when perfection is attained, which I have only experienced a handful of times out of the 32 marathons I have run, we indeed reap.

Providence, for an inaugural marathon, was decent but a little rough around the edges. The course was challenging with its hilly (rolling) terrain, although fair. I didn't faint and felt like I didn't give up. Although not great, I finished in the best time that I could on this day and I really couldn't ask for more. I strive to find my soul and I get closest to it when running - right or wrong.

Morning Glory

After my rant last night I suspect this entry will be a bit more calm. I just got back from a sight-seeing tour of Providence - well sort of. My tour consisted of about a 3.5 mile easy warm-up run prior to tomorrow. Not only does a run like this get your body a bit more in tune for the 26.2 miles tomorrow, but more importantly, it allows some of the extremely negative thoughts bleed from your mind. A run always seems to do that. Many mornings I wake to "what's the use..." but a run always brings me back to life. Without disappointment, it did today. I first ran up to the Rhode Island state capitol. I am usually fascinated by the architecture of such buildings certainly more than what actually occurs inside (see last night's entry.) The buildings look as though they are sculpted, carved or whittled and they are generally old. After running around the state capitol, I followed Dorrance Ave. down through Providence to where the finish of the marathon will be tomorrow - quaint streets and buildings surround the finish along with some streets made of brick. The Providence River runs through the city so I made my way over to the river. I love a series of bridges that cross a river running through a city. There is something calming about them and the water they cross. So off I go over one of the bridges to main street and low and behold found a running store called Rhode Runner - excellent! After taking a picture of the "Old Stone Bank" I finish my loop with a cup of Joe and maple scone from Starbucks. It should be an interesting run tomorrow as the course appears to be a bit hilly or rolling depending on how you look at it. Now the rain appears to be a factor too but I can't argue with what God provides. I just know that a bad day of running is still better than a good day at work.

Why...

(this entry is nothing like my others but some days, you just have to go off!) ...is running 26 or 50 miles so much easier than the effort required yet not recognized in the corporate world? Is it maybe because YOU appreciate the effort that YOU put into training to get YOU to the finish where no one in the corporate world appreciates or notices anything that you do? Why is it that the person who doesn't threaten to quit but works wholeheartedly for the organization in humility is left behind? Someday the lack of respect for the employees in a company will bring a company down and I hope that it is a hard lesson to learn. OK, enough on the corporate rant. I am in Povidence Rhode Island (why is it an island?) waiting to run the Providence Marathon on Sunday. It is my first marathon since December and in some ways looking forward to it although I am more trained for 50 milers (i.e. slow longer distance.) I do know the physcal and mental pain of a marathon or 50 miles is still nothing compared to the strife of corporate america. Of course, I still need some way to give Exon-Mobile their 10 billion dollars in profit and provide the funding for war in the era of bushonomics. Maybe it should be called waronomics or oilonomics. Oil, Mr. Bush and our illustrious members of congress is the battleground of terror. While Hillary and Barack call each other names and fight with golden gloves with mouths that need to be washed out with soap, Mr. McCain sits back in his lazy-boy and watches the blood-bath. They are all the same. There are not two parties. There is one - the Political Party that continues to rip apart the core of America. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing, just a rant that started at 6:15 this morning when I realized that 3 1/2 years of coporate giving has been returned by a corporate shafting. Why is this on a running blog? Because I only have running blogs and I am sitting here pondering the "why run" question again. Why run? Because it is easy and simple and hard all at the same time and you get out of it what you put into it - not true in the coporate world!

End is Here

Endless days
We search for one we hold inside
So hard to find
Luck turns
Will the fallen ever reach within
And rise again
For the rest of my life
I will find the answers
That were always here
I will find the meaning this time
I will fight the end
Till the end is here

AlterBridge

Sunday I will be back on the marathon trek which will take me to Providence, RI for their innaugural Cox Sports Marathon. Rhode island will be my 21st state and 32nd marathon after a winter of two 50 milers. Many of us runners run to search for the one we hold inside. Each run, no matter the distance, but specifically longer runs where we have the time to ponder, look for answers with the right questions take us on a journey of self-discovery. Each run helps us fight to the end till the end is here. It gives us time with our personal Jesus always searching for the meaning hoping to always rise from our brokeness. The run is no longer about time. It is about destiny.

Freak

Searching for things I can't see
Mountains in front of me
No nothing will conquer my existence
Fear will not discover my brain

Days of the New

It is one thing to find what you are looking for but another to search for things that can't be seen. In some ways, this is what running affords us, a way to search for what can't be seen - possibilities, potential and hope. It is why it is hard to explain to the mortal sedentary types the joy that comes from running. I find that the longer the distance, the more evident these truths become. We runners hold these truths to be sacred and undeniable (OK, Thomas Jefferson's original line in the Declaration of Independence can be applied to running also!)

As I start to prepare a schedule for mararthons to get myself to the half way point of 50 states this year, my mind is still on my attempt at a 100 mile ultra in April. The last two lines of the song above will need to be embedded in my heart, soul and mind. They are true for everyone, those taking their first step to a running lifestyle or those running their first 5K, first marathon or first ultra. Even for us more experienced, we need to keep the same mindset. The word fear is used 366 times in the bible (not that I counted) and is one of the biggest demobilizers of doing anything and everything in life. We must have faith in God and in ourselves to conquer fear not just in running but in life.

As for marathons, Providence, RI has a new marathon this year and is the only marathon in RI (unless Breakers is still around) so I better pounce on that one to pick up RI in May. I hope to run Deadwood-Mickelson in June which is supposedly a beautiful trail marathon on the Deadwood-Mickelson trail near Rapid City, SD. Of course, I will run Baltimore in October making it the 8th straight year on my quest for 25. I am still evaluating others for September, October and November. I also hope to run the JFK 50 mile again to redeem myself from last year's DNF. I have learned some good lessons from my two DNF ultras last year. I am not an ultra freak yet but still a marathon manic.